Life as a white mom to a child of color and the wife of a law enforcement officer ...

As a white mother to a child of color and the wife of a Law Enforcement Officer

 Lately, I feel overwhelmed by the way my heart is torn in so many directions over recent events in this world. A world I am finding is far different from the one I remember growing up in.

As a white mother to a child of color - I see the looks given to me out in public by other people of color...Looks of disapproval, whispers to their children to turn around and not talk to me or my child. I watch as you avoid making eye contact in the grocery store line as my daughter says (more like shouts) hello to anyone who will listen. I feel the stress before leaving the house trying to make sure I have fixed her hair perfectly to show I value her natural hair and am educated on how to properly care for it. I stress over how it is growing and whether or not you will see that I am trying with every ounce of me to help her develop a love for her hair and to style it in culturally appropriate ways. I have learned twists, puffs, braids, and how to bead. I am so hard on myself critiquing her hair style and how I can do it better. I am learning and understanding about white privileges in deeper ways while also facing people who have already made up their mind about me when seeing me and my daughter together. People who assume that I chose her out of some weird line up of kids that I thought I could do a better job of raising. People who know nothing about why her birth mother Chose Us to parent her.
 I hear the people of my own race form speculations about my daughter and why her mother chose adoption for her. I cringe as they for their own opinions as to why her mother made the decision she did while they do not know a thing about her or her story. I listen to the comments of how lucky she must be to be in my family while deep down I understand WE are the lucky ones. I answer when the nurses and doctors ask me what my relationship is with her. I listen to the children out in public ask me why she is calling me mommy? I listen to them ask me how I can be her mommy if she is brown and I am not. As happy as I am to get to explain it to them, I dread the day these questions are asked when she is present and can understand them.

As the mother of a child of color I grieve over recent events. I grieve for my daughter and the stereotypes others have already set against her. I grieve over the voices in the world that will try to teach her she is inferior to others. I grieve that in some ways we have made huge leaps from the past and racial segregation and in some ways we haven't quite made progress at all. I grieve over the days to come as I must teach her to behave in certain ways because of how she may be perceived by the world. Lessons that I do not have to intentionally teach my son.

As an adoptive mother I grieve for the hard times to come as my baby girl becomes more aware of her story and the feelings and emotions that will come with it. I grieve that she has already experienced such deep loss at such a young age. I grieve that one day she will begin to process her adoption and have to work through feelings of belonging. I grieve that at this point in time I can't just pick up the phone and call her birth mom to share what cute thing she just did.  I grieve that she can't just continue on in life with the childhood innocence she has now. I pray she never looses her joy and she continues to face life head on so fearlessly and with joy as she does now.

As the wife of a law enforcement officer I feel the tension from the recent events. I witness the tole it takes on the many that are putting their lives on the line for others daily regardless of skin color. I feel the fear of whether or not my husband will come home safe each night. I grieve for the discouragement they feel. I see their good hearts and hear the stories of good they do every single day that go untold. I grieve the acts of violence against them. I understand that the uniform never actually really comes off. I watch as they never sit with their backs to the door in public places even when they are off duty.  I grieve for the officers involved in situations I can't even fathom thinking about or understanding. I pray daily for the protection of my husband and his coworkers - that he would be protected from any act of violence, that he would be given wisdom and discernment to the situations he must encounter. I pray the world would not discourage him and others from continuing to do good. I am forced to work through the overwhelming understanding that the world is telling my daughter not to trust people like her daddy. I feel inadequate on how to raise her in a way to understand that there is sin in each and every one of us. And that sin doesn't mean every person or group of people is to be feared and hated. I have seen how others no longer view my opinion as acceptable as soon as they learn I am married to a law enforcement officer.

So lately I struggle falling asleep because I can't seem to process all of these feelings. I question how to raise our kids to not so easily put people into the stereotypical box already set before them? How do I teach them to love more? How come I can't grieve for a lost life while also grieve for the police officer experiencing hate and false judgements before any facts come out. I see way too much arguing and not enough respectful listening and talking. I see too much talking and not nearly enough doing. I don't know a solution. I don't know if a solution will come in my life time. I do know that I can't give up. That I have to keep praying the Lord would use me and my family to show love, to weaken racial gaps in our community, and to love well.  I have to keep believing the Lord will equip me to be Mia's mother and guide me in how to raise her as he has chosen me to do so. I know He hears my prayers and He hears yours too. I know He knows my heart - and He knows yours too.

Maybe just maybe we could sit and listen and talk to people without forming opinions while they speak, or becoming offended because they think differently than us. Maybe we could just talk as human beings and work together to bridge the gap of differences the world has led us to believe are between us. We could just Be The Light more...

 I will leave you with a small part of one of my favorite books to read Mia. It is from the book The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler. It goes through the different shades of skin and how each one is unique and perfectly created.

"It's not dumb skin or smart skin, or keep us apart skin; or weak skin or strong skin, I'm right your wrong skin. Nor she skin or he skin, you're better than me skin; I'm lesser than you skin, it's me against you skin. It's not any of this, cause you're more than you see. You are all that you think and you hope and you dream. You're a gifted creation with imagination. You're a new day desire to reach even higher. You're the feelings that start from down deep in your heart. You're the pride and the joy inside each girl and boy. So whenever you look at your beautiful skin, from your wiggling toes to your giggling grin... Think how lucky you are that the skin you live in, so beautifully holds the YOU who's within. And like flowers in the fields that make wonderful views, when we stand Side by side in our wonderful hues... We ALL make a beauty, so wonderfully true. We are special and different and just the same too!"