A broken windshield

I was fast asleep when Andy came in the room and woke me up a little after midnight . As I was trying to  awaken from the deep sleep I was in he bang asking what was in my car.  I immediately knew what had happened - someone had broken into my car parked on the street in front of our house.  I didn't care one bit about anything in the car . Nothing was even taken. I did however care deeply that my windshield had been broken . I don't think I fell asleep that night until well after three. I was so angry that someone would do that.  I  prayed and prayed for my heart to not be upset until I finally drifted back asleep. I  got up early the next morning to help Andy get my car to his parents garage so it would be protected from the rain that would soon be making an appearance . I got to work that morning and Andy called to tell me how much the  windshield was going to cost us and I lost it. I  couldn't control the tears . I was just so upset that we were having to pay for this new windshield All because some  kid decided to use it as target practice with their  b b gun. I was mad because I felt like that was putting us even further behind in raising money for this adoption. That evening  when I got the mail I found the tickets to our auction in the mailbox. I was so excited and  told everyone I knew. When I didn't get an IMMEDIATE  overwhelming response from people I became even more discouraged.
    Satan was attacking - I went to bed that night feeling completely discouraged. I felt like there was no way we would ever raise the amount of money we needed to. I felt like it was never going to happen - all because of a broken windshield and a lack of immediate response.
   As I laid in bed that night I remember feeling God whisper "my mercies are new every morning " into my heart over and over again.
The next day at school my boss delivered me an envelope that had been dropped off at the school. It had our name written on the outside and a typed letter in the inside explaining they had heard about my car and new what was going on with our adoption. Inside the letter was money that covered half of what it cost us for a new windshield.
       His mercies are new every morning!!!

God spoke so boldly to me at how easily I become  discouraged. God taught me that as long as we are following His will He will provide.    I honestly believe  God allowed my windshield to get broken to remind me that it is not in my hands to control. This adoption is not in my control- if we raise the funds it is not because of ANYTHING  I did. If we have an amazing auction it is not because of anything I did. When my sweet baby boy or girl is placed in my arms it's not because of what I did but because The Lord ordained it so.. And for that I am thankful. Thankful that the lLord already knows  what is to come .  Thankful for such a  hard reminder that  this while process has nothing to  do with me but EVERYTHING to do with Him :)

Hurry up and wait

  I am swamped by an ever growing to do list to keep this adoption process moving.
I don't do well with things hanging over my head.  It keeps me up at night constantly turning what I need to accomplish the next day.
   I feel like I am drowning
Drowning in paperwork, completing our profile book, fundraising, reading required texts,
I am overwhelmed
   Overwhelmed with excitement, questions, anxiety about the unknown
My mind is constantly going in circles on what is left to be done
      Well what's left that is in my control

I know all the hurry is soon going to turn into a time of waiting. I know at that point I will probably wish I had something I could be working on because just waiting is hard. Really hard! But at the same time I feel like the waiting will be better than this - because I will have done all I could do. It will no longer be in my hands (as if it is truly even in my hands now).Through it all I know this is a race worth running.  My precious son or daughter is waiting for me. I wonder what he or she looks like! I can't wait to feel those warm baby snuggles and introduce him or her to her amazing big brother. I can't wait to pour my life into another human being!

For now I will keep marking one thing at a time.
I will keep loving on my blue eyes boy who calls me mama
I will keep laying awake at night wondering what you look like.
I will keep praying your birth mom has such an overwhelming peace that we already love you.
 I will keep constantly reminding myself it will happen in Gods perfect timing and all of my what ifs will be answered and whatever happens happens

Here we go again

Funny how times change.... Two years ago from right about now I was beginning to get my feet wet in the adoption process. My mind was racing to try to finish every little piece of it that I could to control how quickly the whole process went knowing full well it wasn't mine to control. My how the Lord took control. Now - two years later here I am again.... knee deep in forms waiting to be filled out, references submitted, physicals obtained. The whole process is so intrusive and yet so overwhelmingly vague at the same time. Having to give up such detailed information about yourself knowing you won't gain nearly as much insight into the coming weeks is difficult....yet just part of it.
   As I begin refilling out forms and getting things in order I feel that anxiousness and nervous energy creep in. Its like founding out your expecting, but not knowing when your due. Excitement for how quickly it could all come together and a deeper understanding of how long it could take to all unfold.
Worry and Anxiety have camped out once more on your door step waiting to just grab your heel.
Everything is unknown - when ...... who.... why.......
   So here I am - writing
Not to produce eloquent words to those who read - not entirely to produce words for anyone to read at all - But to just transcribe the words on my heart through the process. I'm expecting a child again, yet this time I'm just not sure how far along I am. This time my baby is growing in my heart instead of under it.
Writing to calm the control freak inside of me raging to get out.
Writing to remind myself of the Gospel and forcing myself to not only just remind myself, but to write those words and require myself to also read them, hear them, and BELIEVE them.
     In the midst of the great unknown I am thankful that I do know one thing - God is great - so great that I don't need to be in control. A God that is so great that He already knows the answer to every one of my hearts questions of when and who and how this will all unfold. He knows the timing and has it far better planned than I could ever hope to. He know the exact baby that will be my son or daughter. He knows exactly how every penny will be raised for this sweet blessing of ours. He knows it all and I don't have to know it.
  So in the midst of all the emotions I am feeling I will cling to being thankful that I serve a God as mighty as He and I will find peace in his promises.