Broken

  Psalms 103:19
      "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens and his kingdom rules overall."


 I have a story in my heart that is in need of coming to the light. In order for me to heal I must grieve. Grieving can not fully take place without sharing my story.
  I have never experienced anything like adoption. The Lord has used it to completely break me of me. Every time I feel as though I have been stretched too thin .... he shows me I have some stretching left to do. He is continually chipping me away from me....and I keep making the mistake of thinking surely there isn't much more to be chipped away.

For a month now Andy and I have been expecting a daughter through adoption. Our lips have been sealed (for this very reason ) other than telling close friends and family. Pink, bows, ribbons, squeals - welcome to the world of little girls!
 In fact less than 12 hours ago we were expecting her to be born through c-section Wednesday July 9th....as in tomorrow.

We met with a birth mom June 12th who had chosen us to parent her unborn daughter. We sat in a room with her, our case worker, and her case worker for nearly two hours just sharing our hearts with her and listening to her share hers. We agreed to name our daughter an important name to her birth mom- A name that we would use as part of her adoption story - Lillian Mae. We sat and listened to her birth mom share her greatest hopes for her. We listened as she told us why she had chosen us to parent her child - that she felt we were the second version of herself - where she would be in life had she made better choices. She looked at me and said she knew I would give her daughter everything humanly possible. She asked questions about Judah and how he would be as a big brother. We shared with her about his sweet personality and the types of things he loved. We prayed with her at the end and she hinted at possibly allowing us to be at the hospital. To be honest - we fell in love with her that day.
   We were told the birth mom was due July 12th but would be having a c-section because she was breech. We left the office that day on cloud nine. I was in awe that this was finally happening. We came home and shared with Judah that Lord willing he would be having a baby sister and we began praying for her by name each night with him.
    A week passed and we did not hear any updates as we began preparing our home and hearts for our daughter (while still being very careful to guard our hearts).
 - - - Two weeks passed and on Wednesday June 25th we were told by the agency that our birth mom had not yet been given a c-section date but that the agency had chosen to put baby girl in interim care for the 13 days following birth ( the amount of time birth mom has to change her mind) We were told we would possibly be able to visit her while she was in interim care.  Friday June 27th we were given a likely c-section date of July 9th. She was creating her hospital plan the following week and we were told we would be notified after she did so to let us know if we were wanted at the hospital. The following week came and went and as anxious as we were to learn if we would get to meet our daughter at the hospital no updates came.
The peace I once had was no longer there and I began praying that if the Lord had not created Lillian Mae to be our daughter He would end it and not wait until the end of the interim period. 
Monday - July 7th after a long holiday weekend the nerves got the best of me. I contacted our case worker to find information on whether or not we might get to meet our daughter Wednesday. Unfortunately she was out of office.
    Monday night I couldn't take it anymore. It was making me crazy.Then I got a phone call from one of my best friends. She knew I had been praying for the Lord to just end it if this was not our little girl for the last week. She knew the silence was becoming deafening to me. I am thankful the Lord used her to do just that - He ended it. After some prompting I found our birth mom on facebook and what I learned broke my heart in ways it has never experienced.
 Our baby girl we were anxiously awaiting to meet tomorrow had actually been born June 26th. In fact she hadn't even been born by c section. As I scrolled through her facebook page with tears streaming down my face I began realizing that for whatever reason it was very unlikely that she had ever actually considered to follow through with the adoption. Her due date was actually during the week she was born and not July 12th like she had told us. I saw a picture of her - our baby girl - as beautiful as could be - now 12 days old.
 In the midst of confusion, devastation, and panic I contacted our case worker and she expressed that as far as she knew this was not the case. I began to realize they had no idea what was going on and our birth mom had been untruthful to them and us from the beginning.

 This whole post is for the sole means of healing. Grieving and healing. It is not to bad mouth our birth mom or agency. It is only to allow the world to know we are grieving the loss of our daughter. I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but the people in the adoption world will completely understand. To be honest - I have never felt more taken advantage of. Nothing makes sense.  I will never understand why my heart had to experience such utter heart break. Most of the world will never understand how you can love someone that was never truly yours to love - but we did.  For four weeks I have prayed continuously for the birth mom to have peace about her decision of adoption. For four weeks I have stopped praying for my own peace and found it through praying for hers. I completely lack understanding as to why this is what the Lord has asked of me, but I can only rest in knowing covering her and sweet baby girl in my prayers was for a reason unknown to me.

 I am at a loss as to why the Lord has chosen this to be a part of our adoption story. Although I don't understand - I know the Lord has purpose a Purpose I may never figure out. I cannot make sense as to why this has happened. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I had prepared myself for the possibility of losing a baby to return home with his or her mom - but I never imagined it being through a string of untruthfulness. Truth be told - Oddly enough There is peace in knowing I am not okay - and right now I know that is perfectly alright.  I also know I will be okay one day, but I am certain  I will never forget the daughter we prayed for fervently. The daughter I imagined raising and caring for. There is peace in knowing our adoption story is not over. We have a son or daughter still yet to meet one day.

At this time we are we have many questions for our agency who is also trying to sort through this. We understand some of our questions will never be answered, but we hope some will.

Pray for us as we have our profile book returned to the pile of books shown to expectant mothers. Pray our hearts not be hardened toward future birth moms as we opened our heart so readily to love this birth mom. Pray for healing.  Pray as we discuss with Judah that Lily Mae is going to be staying with her mommy it crushed me to hear his sweet little voice at night to thank God for his Lily Mae. Although I will may never understand why she was brought into my life - in a way I am thankful she was. I will always be thankful for the hope of raising her. Pray for this mom and baby - I do not know why the Lord desired for our paths to meet and I am not sure I ever will but I pray the Lord will work in her heart as I grieve a daughter, a sister for Judah.

   I. AM. BROKEN.  and I couldn't be more thankful the only thing that will make me whole again is my Savior.


O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.