Within the last few weeks I have had so many people ask me about our disrupted placement and how we figured out life after. I have seen and heard the fear of possible adoptive families wonder if they could take that risk. So for those on the fence trying to decided whether or not adoption is right for your family I want to share the following based off of questions and comments we have gotten.
Is it the risk of a failed/disrupted adoption worth it? Absolutely - 110 percent yes! I could never have prepared my heart for the experience of adoption and the intense beauty that comes from it. There is no explanation that will adequately share how the Lord has intertwined my life with my daughters. Having both a biological and adopted child is beautiful within itself. Yet, I fail to be able to explain my love towards my children. Do I love one more than the other ... absolutely, positively NO! However, is it a different love - Yes. To see how the Lord has allowed my womb to care for my son and another mothers womb to care for my daughter is this messy story of Gods great grace that I daily fail to understand and be able to explain. There are deep reminders of love and grace when I look at my children. Yet, when I look at my daughter there is this gut wrenching, breath-taking, outpouring of grace and humbleness that sweeps over me. That I (in all my ugliness and filth) was found worthy (for the lack of a much better word) enough in my Saviors eyes and in my daughter's mother's eyes to be her mom. In domestic adoption (adoption within the United States) there is a very real chance of experiencing a failed adoption. Is a failed or disrupted adoption the end....absolutely not. Research shows that 10-20 percent of all known pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Should that fear in itself stop someone from trying to start a family - no. Is it easy --Heck no, but what in life is honestly easy? I was never prepared to be taken advantage of the way we were in our first placement. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun, but did it have purpose - YES! From the moment I found out what was happening I had this resonating peace that "if not, He is still good". In fact, I even painted a large canvas and stuck it on our living room wall as a constant reminder - even if we were to get 100 more no's God is and will always be good,
People have said it just wasn't fair what happened... No - but what in life is fair. If you think about it nothing about adoption is fair. It constantly points me back to our Savior. Adoption itself isn't fair. It is the result of a fallen world - otherwise my daughter would be snuggling on her birth mother instead of me. She would never have been ripped away from the smell and voice she came to know as familiar for 9 months. She would never have to ask the questions that she will ask far to soon. She would never have to one day see the looks on people's faces as they see our family and for whatever reason do not approve. God did not create this world for children to be orphaned, but he allows what has resulted from sin to be a beautiful story of redemption for his own glory.
I still remember sitting on my son's bed the night I found out doing everything I possibly could to hold back the ugly sobs desperately fighting to come out. I read him his book with tears streaming down my face almost suffocating for the chance to kiss him good night and allow my heart to weep. It was the deepest most gut wrenching sorrow I have ever experienced and hope to never experience again. Yet .... Christ used it so beautifully. He used it to pry my clinched hands of any control I thought I had over my life. He used is to break my heart to allow him to mend. He sought me out in my loneliness and cleansed me of all anger. He used it to bring me to my daughter. In sorrow there is such pain, but there is such growth and beauty on the other side.
So how did we manage after... we put one foot in front of the other and allowed the Lord to continue writing the story we had so faithfully entrusted him to write. Life is messy and adding adoption to that just makes it messier. Yet, in that mess is such intoxicating beauty that would never have been understood or seen apart from the mess.
Is life after adoption easy - ummmmm no - but is life after adding a member to your family easy in general? I think not.
I look at my daughter (and son) and grieve because sadly I know this is the easiest their life will ever be. After seeing so many people close to us being pregnant Judah has begun to ask " Mama where did we get Mia?" Although I explain that God brought us Mia .. if you asked him if Mia was in his mama's belly he would say yep. Soon - he will begin to understand this was not so. One day my he will be told by the world that the shade of our skin makes us different. One day he will have friends ask him why his sister doesn't look like him. One day my daughter may struggle with feeling of abandonment. One day she will be asked why she looks so different from her mama. One day she will hear someone comment on how much my son looks like his daddy and grieve never hearing the same. One day she will see people turn their heads towards our family as though we aren't really there or see the disapproving looks people give me as though I could not adequately care for a child that does not look like myself. She will hear people ask "Where'd you get her?" Yet through all of these experiences there is this amazing redemption that Andy and I get to share with both of our children. There is this understanding that diversity is beauty and the kingdom of God is so beautifully diverse. We get to be apart of this beautiful mess and allow the Lord to use our family in ways we fail to realize or understand.
Maybe this beautiful mess is for your family...and maybe it isn't. If not - I encourage you to be willing to invest in someone's life that is.
Life without risk is a life not lived.
