a beautiful mess

It has been 6 months since we brought our daughter home. This time last year I was still grieving the news of our disrupted placement. I was so confused, hurt, and broken. What a lot of people don't realize about adoption is that a disrupted placement is still a loss of a life. It is as though you are burying a family member you never met, but in your heart already loved. It is understanding what you thought your role might be in a particular child's life isn't reality. In all actuality every phone call or text message of a birth mother choosing a different family was a loss, because even the hope of a child opened your heart to love as if he or she were already yours. This may sound insanely odd, but I know my fellow adoptive mama's are saying AMEN! 

     Within the last few weeks I have had so many people ask me about our disrupted placement and how we figured out life after. I have seen and heard the fear of possible adoptive families wonder if they could take that risk. So for those on the fence trying to decided whether or not adoption is right for your family I want to share the following based off of questions and comments we have gotten.

 

Is it the risk of a failed/disrupted adoption worth it? Absolutely - 110 percent yes! I could never have prepared my heart for the experience of adoption and the intense beauty that comes from it. There is no explanation that will adequately share how the Lord has intertwined my life with my daughters. Having both a biological and adopted child is beautiful within itself. Yet, I fail to be able to explain my love towards my children. Do I love one more than the other ... absolutely, positively NO! However, is it a different love - Yes. To see how the Lord has allowed my womb to care for my son and another mothers womb to care for my daughter is this messy story of Gods great grace that I daily fail to understand and be able to explain. There are deep reminders of love and grace when I look at my children. Yet, when I look at my daughter there is this gut wrenching, breath-taking, outpouring of grace and humbleness that sweeps over me. That I (in all my ugliness and filth) was found worthy (for the lack of a much better word) enough in my Saviors eyes and in my daughter's mother's eyes to be her mom. In domestic adoption (adoption within the United States) there is a very real chance of experiencing a failed adoption. Is a failed or disrupted adoption the end....absolutely not. Research shows that 10-20 percent of all known pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Should that fear in itself stop someone from trying to start a family - no. Is it easy --Heck no, but what in life is honestly easy? I was never prepared to be taken advantage of the way we were in our first placement. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun, but did it have purpose - YES! From the moment I found out what was happening I had this resonating peace that "if not, He is still good". In fact, I even painted a large canvas and stuck it on our living room wall as a constant reminder - even if we were to get 100 more no's God is and will always be good, 

People have said it just wasn't fair what happened... No - but what in life is fair. If you think about it nothing about adoption is fair. It constantly points me back to our Savior. Adoption itself isn't fair. It is the result of a fallen world - otherwise my daughter would be snuggling on her birth mother instead of me. She would never have been ripped away from the smell and voice she came to know as familiar for 9 months. She would never have to ask the questions that she will ask far to soon. She would never have to one day see the looks on people's faces as they see our family and for whatever reason do not approve. God did not create this world for children to be orphaned, but he allows what has resulted from sin to be a beautiful story of redemption for his own glory. 

 I still remember sitting on my son's bed the night I found out doing everything I possibly could to hold back the ugly sobs desperately fighting to come out. I read him his book with tears streaming down my face almost suffocating for the chance to kiss him good night and allow my heart to weep. It was the deepest most gut wrenching sorrow I have ever experienced and hope to never experience again. Yet .... Christ used it so beautifully. He used it to pry my clinched hands of any control I thought I had over my life. He used is to break my heart to allow him to mend. He sought me out in my loneliness and cleansed me of all anger. He used it to bring me to my daughter. In sorrow there is such pain, but there is such growth and beauty on the other side. 

     So how did we manage after... we put one foot in front of the other and allowed the Lord to continue writing the story we had so faithfully entrusted him to write. Life is messy and adding adoption to that just makes it messier. Yet, in that mess is such intoxicating beauty that would never have been understood or seen apart from the mess. 

           Is life after adoption easy - ummmmm no - but is life after adding a member to your family easy in general? I think not. 

   I look at my daughter (and son) and grieve because sadly I know this is the easiest their life will ever be. After seeing so many people close to us being pregnant Judah has begun to ask " Mama where did we get Mia?" Although I explain that God brought us Mia .. if you asked him if Mia was in his mama's belly he would say yep. Soon - he will begin to understand this was not so. One day my he will be told by the world that the shade of our skin makes us different. One day he will have friends ask him why his sister doesn't look like him. One day my daughter may struggle with feeling of abandonment. One day she will be asked why she looks so different from her mama. One day she will hear someone comment on how much my son looks like his daddy and grieve never hearing the same. One day she will see people turn their heads towards our family as though we aren't really there or see the disapproving looks people give me as though I could not adequately care for a child that does not look like myself. She will hear people ask "Where'd you get her?" Yet through all of these experiences there is this amazing redemption that Andy and I get to share with both of our children. There is this understanding that diversity is beauty and the kingdom of God is so beautifully diverse. We get to be apart of this beautiful mess and allow the Lord to use our family in ways we fail to realize or understand. 

       Maybe this beautiful mess is for your family...and maybe it isn't. If not - I encourage you to be willing to invest in someone's life that is.

     Life without risk is a life not lived.

The story of how we met

 Oh how I have waited for this very day.... how many times I imagined how it would play out... how everything would unfold. Truth be told, I always knew it would be better than I all the scenarios I thought up....
 
   Throughout this whole adoption journey the Lord has revealed himself to me in new ways. He has allowed me to ache deeply in order for me to thirst more for only the peace he can offer.


Where our story began ....
  6 pm December 30th we were called about a birth mom of a baby girl who would be viewing our profile the following day
  December 31st we received word that the birth mom did not show to view profiles ... at this point we had become familiar with this scenario and no longer thought anything of the situation.

Fast Forward to Wednesday, January 7th
    My sweet boss pulled me aside and began telling me about a two week old baby girl that happened to be in interim care with an amazing family at our school. I stopped her and asked the baby girl's name  - It soon came clear to me that this baby girl was the same baby we had gotten a call about. I couldn't believe it .... how small of a world that she would be placed in the care of parents of a child in our little school.
'
That afternoon I saw her. She was tiny, beautiful, and absolutely perfect. and then my heart broke into a million pieces. I held myself together until I got home and then I fell apart. I didn't know why but she already had my heart. I tearfully contacted my closest friends and asked them to please pray she would find her forever family soon.

 Over the next week I continued to catch glimpses of her as her sweet interim mom came to pick up her son. I prayed and prayed for the family that would one day call her their own. I had such  peace that she would have a forever family even though it would most likely not be ours.

Thursday January 15th we had our yearly home study update. I sat with our case worker as s he asked how we were doing in the waiting ... I told her I was crumbling .... I was weary. She encouraged me and said she had hopes that it wouldn't be much longer...

The next morning January 16th I got a text saying birth mom would be coming in to view profiles. I was so excited for her and prayed the Lord would prepare their hearts while secretly wishing it could be us. At 10 pm that night we got the call that would change our life. "She choose you guys"
   Wait what??? I couldn't believe it. Her birth mom had really chosen us... not having any idea I had already met her and fallen in love. We discussed plans to meet her birth mom that coming Tuesday and the got off the phone. I sat in bed and shook for nearly an hour. God is more gracious and loving than I can dare to understand.

The following week was an emotional roller coaster. Our meeting with birth mom on Tuesday was cancelled and rescheduled for Thursday. Thursdays meeting was cancelled and rescheduled for the following Monday. Monday morning the meeting was nearly rescheduled again, but after some tears and prayers it was back on. That afternoon we spent two beautiful hours talking with baby girls birth mom. We talked about her dreams and hopes for baby girl and what the future might look like. We got to know her and begin forming a relationship with her.After tears and hugs we left and began preparing our home for our daughter.

 Three days later her birth mom courageously surrendered her rights in court and we were set to receive placement of our baby girl the following afternoon.

 Friday January 30th came (364 days after being approved as a waiting family) - the day I had waited for for so long. The day our daughter would come home. I had so many emotions running through me. Such peace and awe at seeing what the Lord had done and prepared for us. I will never forget the moment she was placed in our arms. She had on the most beautiful dress and she looked like a baby doll. We sat and just stared and talked to her, our case worker took pictures. we breathed in her sweet smell and we fell deeper and deeper in love.

Coming home was something I lack the ability to completely express... It was a perpetual state of bliss followed by heartache. The more I fell in love with my daughter - the deeper I grieved for her mother - the more humility I discovered in the gift of a mother choosing me to be the one her daughter calls mom... to see her first smiles, her first taste of food, her first steps... The more unworthy I feel to be given this gift.... the more grace I have for others.... the more of a weeping mess I have become.

     We have had her home for 11 days now and have officially made it through the revocation period. I have breathed out my last bit of breath that I had been holding on to. Welcome home baby girl .... welcome home.

 The Lord is infinitely gracious and compassionate. He chose to so delicately weave our stories together with such compassion and attention to detail. He poured his peace over me throughout the last month as we waited for today to come.  This whole adoption journey has been one filled with clinging to Lord moment by moment. It has been a quiet whisper of "Do you trust me" resounding in my soul. I must admit at some points I didn't ... at some points I was so weary. But the Lord is so faithful .... His works don't depend on my strength...instead he quietly leads us into a deeper understanding of his grace

Our story doesn't end here.... this is just the beginning
We know the Lord is at work in mighty ways through our family...
We know the Lord has brought our daughter and her birth mom in our lives for a specific purpose
Raising a daughter is terrifying......and yet the Lord has already begun quietly pulling my heart asking .... do you trust me?
Our prayers don't stop here ... our faith doesn't end now ....
 This is only the beginning  :)

Advent and Adoption...A season of waiting

With Christmas only 10 days away we are well into the Advent Season.
 Advent - waiting in anticipation on the coming of the Lord
 Advent - Preparing your heart for the one that will/has change(d) the world.

This Advent season has been so very different than all of the past.
Perhaps it is because I have grown in wisdom and knowledge in what Advent is.
Yet - perhaps it is because I too am waiting on a baby.
As an adoptive mama my mind goes to Mary and her waiting.
  What incredible darkness she must have felt at times.
Fear and anxiety of what to do with the realization that the one who holds everything together is snug inside her womb. 
 Oh how she must have wanted eyes to see..... just a glimpse of the days ahead.
How alone she must have felt in the months leading up to his birth

It has been eleven long, hard, dark, months of waiting
15 long months since we began this journey again ... waiting
   Waiting on a baby
A waiting family for two agencies....
Sometimes the days are easy ....
but mostly they are hard and lonely
It has been the hardest eleven months of my life
Filled with emotional roller coasters of preparing your heart for a baby to only find out the birth mother never showed back up, or that is was just not your time to be choosen.
 Days of pleading for eyes to see .... to see past the longing, the aching of my heart
Many day of walking past the door to an empty nursery
Days of prayer to the birth moms and babies brought to our attention and for the families the Lord has in mind for them.
Just as Mary could not see what the days, weeks, and months to come would reveal
    Neither do I

When Gabriel appeared to Mary she was frightened, terrified, confused.
  She even questioned him with "How will this be, since I am a virgin?"
and the Angel answered her "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High
will overshadow you; therefor the child to be born will be called holy - the son of God..."
  And Mary replied "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord let it be to me according to your word."
Be it done to me according to your word.

What is it the Lord is calling you to do?
 We all have seasons of waiting....
Ours began over three years ago we began pursuing our call to adoption and the Lord blessed us with the surprise pregnancy with Judah.
 15 months ago we began the journey again. We committed ourselves to the what the Lord had placed on our hearts.
The Lord did not promise to make the road easy, nor did he promise to make the wait short
   But he did promise to wait with us
To strengthen us in our weakness
In this season of waiting he showers us with his grace
He has mended my broken heart time and time again
He continues to redeem me ... repair me
  He gives strength to smile at babies you meet as you long for your own
He reminds me of his presence through a simple text of prayers for our adoption
    There is something incredibly tragic about anxiously longing and waiting for a mother to choose you to raise her child...to be the one called mom.

There is much unknown, updates that must be made, more fees that must be paid as we reach the year mark... there is a stack of papers waiting to be refilled out and returned...a yearly updated home study waiting to be scheduled... updated physicals and background checks...so much to get lost in...so many feelings trying to engulf you.... to steal your joy

In the waiting there is darkness, but in Christ there is light
 In darkness His light shines increasingly brighter
   And In his light we may find joy
This Advent season ....as I long for the birth of a baby ... I can rejoice in the one that has already come 

   Luke 1:45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.

            

Broken

  Psalms 103:19
      "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens and his kingdom rules overall."


 I have a story in my heart that is in need of coming to the light. In order for me to heal I must grieve. Grieving can not fully take place without sharing my story.
  I have never experienced anything like adoption. The Lord has used it to completely break me of me. Every time I feel as though I have been stretched too thin .... he shows me I have some stretching left to do. He is continually chipping me away from me....and I keep making the mistake of thinking surely there isn't much more to be chipped away.

For a month now Andy and I have been expecting a daughter through adoption. Our lips have been sealed (for this very reason ) other than telling close friends and family. Pink, bows, ribbons, squeals - welcome to the world of little girls!
 In fact less than 12 hours ago we were expecting her to be born through c-section Wednesday July 9th....as in tomorrow.

We met with a birth mom June 12th who had chosen us to parent her unborn daughter. We sat in a room with her, our case worker, and her case worker for nearly two hours just sharing our hearts with her and listening to her share hers. We agreed to name our daughter an important name to her birth mom- A name that we would use as part of her adoption story - Lillian Mae. We sat and listened to her birth mom share her greatest hopes for her. We listened as she told us why she had chosen us to parent her child - that she felt we were the second version of herself - where she would be in life had she made better choices. She looked at me and said she knew I would give her daughter everything humanly possible. She asked questions about Judah and how he would be as a big brother. We shared with her about his sweet personality and the types of things he loved. We prayed with her at the end and she hinted at possibly allowing us to be at the hospital. To be honest - we fell in love with her that day.
   We were told the birth mom was due July 12th but would be having a c-section because she was breech. We left the office that day on cloud nine. I was in awe that this was finally happening. We came home and shared with Judah that Lord willing he would be having a baby sister and we began praying for her by name each night with him.
    A week passed and we did not hear any updates as we began preparing our home and hearts for our daughter (while still being very careful to guard our hearts).
 - - - Two weeks passed and on Wednesday June 25th we were told by the agency that our birth mom had not yet been given a c-section date but that the agency had chosen to put baby girl in interim care for the 13 days following birth ( the amount of time birth mom has to change her mind) We were told we would possibly be able to visit her while she was in interim care.  Friday June 27th we were given a likely c-section date of July 9th. She was creating her hospital plan the following week and we were told we would be notified after she did so to let us know if we were wanted at the hospital. The following week came and went and as anxious as we were to learn if we would get to meet our daughter at the hospital no updates came.
The peace I once had was no longer there and I began praying that if the Lord had not created Lillian Mae to be our daughter He would end it and not wait until the end of the interim period. 
Monday - July 7th after a long holiday weekend the nerves got the best of me. I contacted our case worker to find information on whether or not we might get to meet our daughter Wednesday. Unfortunately she was out of office.
    Monday night I couldn't take it anymore. It was making me crazy.Then I got a phone call from one of my best friends. She knew I had been praying for the Lord to just end it if this was not our little girl for the last week. She knew the silence was becoming deafening to me. I am thankful the Lord used her to do just that - He ended it. After some prompting I found our birth mom on facebook and what I learned broke my heart in ways it has never experienced.
 Our baby girl we were anxiously awaiting to meet tomorrow had actually been born June 26th. In fact she hadn't even been born by c section. As I scrolled through her facebook page with tears streaming down my face I began realizing that for whatever reason it was very unlikely that she had ever actually considered to follow through with the adoption. Her due date was actually during the week she was born and not July 12th like she had told us. I saw a picture of her - our baby girl - as beautiful as could be - now 12 days old.
 In the midst of confusion, devastation, and panic I contacted our case worker and she expressed that as far as she knew this was not the case. I began to realize they had no idea what was going on and our birth mom had been untruthful to them and us from the beginning.

 This whole post is for the sole means of healing. Grieving and healing. It is not to bad mouth our birth mom or agency. It is only to allow the world to know we are grieving the loss of our daughter. I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but the people in the adoption world will completely understand. To be honest - I have never felt more taken advantage of. Nothing makes sense.  I will never understand why my heart had to experience such utter heart break. Most of the world will never understand how you can love someone that was never truly yours to love - but we did.  For four weeks I have prayed continuously for the birth mom to have peace about her decision of adoption. For four weeks I have stopped praying for my own peace and found it through praying for hers. I completely lack understanding as to why this is what the Lord has asked of me, but I can only rest in knowing covering her and sweet baby girl in my prayers was for a reason unknown to me.

 I am at a loss as to why the Lord has chosen this to be a part of our adoption story. Although I don't understand - I know the Lord has purpose a Purpose I may never figure out. I cannot make sense as to why this has happened. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I had prepared myself for the possibility of losing a baby to return home with his or her mom - but I never imagined it being through a string of untruthfulness. Truth be told - Oddly enough There is peace in knowing I am not okay - and right now I know that is perfectly alright.  I also know I will be okay one day, but I am certain  I will never forget the daughter we prayed for fervently. The daughter I imagined raising and caring for. There is peace in knowing our adoption story is not over. We have a son or daughter still yet to meet one day.

At this time we are we have many questions for our agency who is also trying to sort through this. We understand some of our questions will never be answered, but we hope some will.

Pray for us as we have our profile book returned to the pile of books shown to expectant mothers. Pray our hearts not be hardened toward future birth moms as we opened our heart so readily to love this birth mom. Pray for healing.  Pray as we discuss with Judah that Lily Mae is going to be staying with her mommy it crushed me to hear his sweet little voice at night to thank God for his Lily Mae. Although I will may never understand why she was brought into my life - in a way I am thankful she was. I will always be thankful for the hope of raising her. Pray for this mom and baby - I do not know why the Lord desired for our paths to meet and I am not sure I ever will but I pray the Lord will work in her heart as I grieve a daughter, a sister for Judah.

   I. AM. BROKEN.  and I couldn't be more thankful the only thing that will make me whole again is my Savior.


O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

He makes beautiful things - he makes beautiful things out of the dust

 He makes beautiful Things - he makes beautiful things out of the dust
  Beautiful things out of tragic situations
Beauty admist the silence
It has been over a month since I have made any updates regarding our adoption.
   I have hesitated on whether or not this update should even be made.
Adoption is not really about us. In certain ways it is - but in the big scheme of things, its not.
  Adoption was never intended to be about us. And as I continue to struggle through the wait the Lord has revealed this to me more and more. Ultimately, the Lord is entrusting this child in our hands for us to raise in way that brings Him Glory.
 Two months:
 We have had our profile book shown for over two months now. This part of our adoption journey has been an emotional roller coaster. We have had times of peace, excitement, anxiety, and sorrow. At times it has been far too silent and yet at other times it has been full of excitement only to be followed by disappointment. They tried to prepare us for this, but it is one of those things you just don't understand until your in it. Yet - we  will continue to praise Him in the hallway as we wait for him to open the next door.
Why? Because Despite all of the unanswered questions, despite that the future of our little one still is so unknown we rejoice in the fact that the Lord is Faithful.
 
    Last week we were made aware of a young birth mom who has requested to view our profile book along with 10 others. She will be viewing these profile books on Friday April 25th.
  T W E L V E  llllooooonnnnngggg days from now.  There are many aspects that I cannot share that appear to be just what we have been praying for for such a long time now. In ways it seems too good to come true - and in ways I am reminded that what may appear perfect in my eyes may not be perfect in the Will of our Lord.  This is where you come in. Yes - You - you didn't think I was going to let you just read and walk away did ya ??
 Today We ask for You to join in with us and commit yourselves to prayer for the next twelve days.
 I do not mean praying when you think about it. I mean committing yourself to spending time each and every day praying over specific request.
    We are desperate for believers to join us in praying :
For this young birth mom who is facing such a beautifully tragic time in her young life. Pray the Lord would reveal his presence to her and her family. Pray the Lord would continue to guide her through this adoption process and provide her with wisdom and peace on the decisions she will be making.We rejoice in the fact that she has chosen adoption.
* Pray the Lord would prepare the hearts of the sweet family that will receive the blessing of this baby.
* Pray that if it be the Lord's will that this would be our baby. Pray the if it be the Lord's will this young girl would feel such overwhelming peace when viewing our profile book. That she would have no doubts and feel confidently about her decision.
* Pray the Lord would direct her steps into choosing the right family (whether or not it be ours :/) to parent the child she still carries in her womb. That she would have no hesitation or confusion, but would know clearly that it is the right family and that everyone involved would feel the same.
* Pray the the Lord would provide us with substantial peace over these next twelve days as we pray and anxiously await for the Lord to reveal his plan. I cannot begin to express how important this prayer is to me as it is somewhat of a war within my heart to keep my thoughts from wandering one way or another.
* Pray that the Lord would protect our hearts from falling in love with this "could be ours baby" (too late.....) if it not be his will for us to parent this child. That if  at the end of this we learn this is not our sweet baby the Lord would comfort us in ways that only he can.

   As I struggle to find peace in the unknown of how life could possibly change (in beautiful ways)  in the next twelve days I am reminded it is nothing like the struggle our Lord endured in the days to come as we remember his gruesome death on Good Friday. I am also reminded of his captivating Love for me despite whether or not I understand his plan.
    I thank you for committing yourself to covering our family and this young girls family in prayer. It is the support and encouragement we need and I am sure this family will need as well.
 

Fully Funded

    Praise be to God we are now fully funded.
   How incredibly freeing that feels. We along with dear friends have prayed and prayed the Lord would provide every cent needed for this adoption. At time I felt the annoyance from people around me seeing yet another fundraiser we had, but I stood firm in the understanding of our call to adoption and our role of being obedient. At times I felt the disbelief others had that we would really be able to raise the full amount. Yet - through being wise about our money, sticking to a budget we were able to save a good amount (even after cutting my paycheck  by more than half) and we remained obedient in raising funds through fundraisers and sharing our stories - - - and the Lord was faithful as he always is and has provided every last cent needed for our adoption. He has blessed us through others generosity and compassion.
       Just yesterday I was reading through Hebrews 11 and walking by faith
 In Hebrews 11 we see that
 By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain
 By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found
 By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed the ark
By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance and he went out not knowing where he was goin
 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even  when she was past the age
By faith Abraham offered up Issac
By faith, Moses when he was born was hidden for three months by his parents
By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians when they attempted to do the same, were drowned
By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they were encircled for seven days

Andy and I have been called to adopt - and we must walk by faith through this adoption
  Verse 6 says And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

   Yesterday I realized that if I were to walk by faith it meant I shouldn't worry about getting the rest of the funds, when we would meet our son or daughter, whether or not I would have enough time away from work to bond with my son or daughter (before a bond was created with someone else - this is by far my biggest area of worry/fear) and all of the other little details that accompany adoption.
    I am to be faithful in our call to adopt and the Lord will take care of the rest
         Today - he again reminded me of this through a very dear and gracious donor donating the last amount needed.

 Thank you to all who have been so diligent in asking about updates for the adoption.
It is so very encouraging to know it is on the hearts of those around us.
  We know there are birth mothers possibly choosing adoption for their children due in the next few months. We pray the Lord would allow one of these babies to be our son or daughter if it be his will.

In the waiting...

  It has been just under three weeks since we received our approval and our profile book began being shown to expecting parents. Three weeks that at times have felt more like three months :)
 Just the thought of the phone possibly ringing at any moment to tell us we have been matched is enough to drive one crazy.
      The first week I most definitely had my heart skip a beat every time I received a phone call or text. The day we received our approval I began praying the Lord would make his presence known to me in our time of waiting. He has without a doubt revealed his presence to me day in and day out.
  He has so graciously done so  in ways I hadn't expected. One day it came through an encouraging text from a friend Or seeing Chick Fil A packed full of people showing up to support our adoption. Another day it was through the Lord using a family to bless us immensely with their kindness and generosity in an unexpected way.
Yet, the most prevalent way I have felt his presence has been through my sweet little boy. Along with our approval came the understanding that at any minute with almost zero warning our little family of three can become a family of four. This understanding almost panicked me. Anyone who knows me will vouch for how I am a planner. I am most calm when I feel prepared. I worried how my little man would transition with little to no warning of a brother or sister coming home. I worried if I could be a good enough mom to two children. I worried and worried - and I hit my knees and prayed the Lord would take care of all of the teeny, tiny details that accompany adoption - that he would so beautifully orchestrate every detail we would know without a doubt everything was from the Lord's hand.
    So ... he used my son. To open my heart even more than I thought it could be opened - to teach me how amazing love is - and how it can just keep growing and growing and it never really reaches a limit. It cannot be contained by borders - He has changed my perspective from wondering when I might get to meet my new son or daughter to completely captivating me with the amazing son I already have!  He has reminded me the beauty of motherhood - the beauty of the parts that no one sees. The way he kisses me goodnight or brings me a book to read him. The way I can understand what his little toddler gibberish means when no one else does. The way he lights up when I walk in room. So many days this past week I have spent afternoons outside with my little one watching him play and learn. I have had such an overwhelming since of peace and joy that the Lord will bring our son or daughter when he is ready and thankfully not a minute before. I have an amazing son who calls me mama and a loving husband who knows how to make me smile. And that is enough for me today.
     The Lord has blessed me greatly with the joy of motherhood
  Blessed me with the gift of being called mama
  being the one he reaches up to hug
the one he walks around the house calling for
   the one he looks to for comfort
   the one who can make his face light up with just a glance

Although my heart still aches for my child to come - I have been given peace in the waiting (thus far)
      I will rest in the understanding that the Lord's timing is far more beautiful than my timing could ever be - so I will soak up every second with the ones he has blessed me with thus far and I will wait and pray for the one he will bless me with in time.

      And.... Just because I cannot believe we are this close - we only lack 1,500 of our ENORMOUS adoption fee! The Lord Provides and I know he will continue to provide this last amount!
BE apart of our story